This isn’t goodbye

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Hey everyone,

I’m sure you all know by now that we lost Lassie. He passed away at the vet August 3rd. A necropsy showed that he had pleuritis and died from pneumonia. How he got pleuritis is unknown, they could not find a cause (no injuries, no punctured lungs, no foreign bodies). The doctors who did the necropsy said our vet had Lassie on the correct medications to fight this off, however it was not a good enough concentration. Those who did the necropsy assumed this was because Lassie’s vet did not know he had pneumonia. However, while we were not positive about that, his vet DID say “Sounds like pneumonia.” when I told her about the fluid-y cough Lassie had that morning before we rushed him back in. So why she didn’t give him the concentration of antibiotics needed in order to recover is beyond me. I’m absolutely livid about that. I’m trying not to be though, because I honestly don’t know her reasoning for that.
I’m also trying not to be blindingly angry about the fact that Lassie was already gone when I wrote my last post and I had no idea thanks to a screw up at the vet (someone wrote our phone number down wrong and I guess it took them a whole day to realize they could find the correct number on the back of Lassie’s tag; so much for “Favorite Vet”). I found out Sunday evening that he was gone.
A fact that still seems entirely impossible and completely untrue.
Yet he is and that is evident by the huge hole I’m left with.
Which is why I vanished. This hurts so much. More than I feel I can handle. I didn’t want anyone to say the well intentioned, “I’m so sorry.” Or, “I know what you’re going through.” Because no one is as sorry as I am and though you may know, in theory, what I’m going through (most, if not all, of us has lost a pet at some point in our lives)– you do not know what I’m going through. I refuse to believe anyone would know exactly what I’m going through. My relationship with Lassie was too unique. His relationship with me was too unique. I don’t even know what I’m going through. I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve lost pets and human family members before and each loss was so much different from the other. Each of them painful, but each one different.

This loss is too much. This loss is too unfair. This loss was too unexpected. I had no warning. Yes, he was wasn’t looking so well when we took him to the vet for a weekend stay and yes, I was honestly scared. But I did not believe he was going to die. With Ella, I knew, as we drove to the vet I knew she wasn’t going to make the drive there. I held her in the back seat of the car and I said my goodbyes.

I never said goodbye to Lassie. Instead, I demanded that he stay with me. When we got the call that he had passed away, I felt betrayed. Lassie was more obedient than that. He should’ve stayed like I asked– begged— him to. He’s my best friend, my motivator, my protector, my everything, I don’t know how to keep going without him. I feel broken.

The other day, as I cried, I was wondering why this feeling of denial wouldn’t go away. Why I still felt like Lassie couldn’t possibly be gone. Maybe it’s just too soon for the shock to be worn off yet or… maybe Lassie did listen to me after all. Maybe he hasn’t left my side at all. I can’t imagine him up in Heaven with my other family members, both human and pets, but I can imagine all my other loved ones there, happy and healthy; it seems natural. But when I think of Lassie I can only see him with me, happy and healthy and unfailingly loyal to me and only me. 
Maybe this is why we were cheated out of our goodbye. The goodbye I didn’t plan to have until Lassie was at least 15 years old. Maybe we weren’t given the chance to say goodbye because we were never meant to. 
This isn’t goodbye, it’s see you later. 

I don’t know what your beliefs are, but I truly believe that I will be with Lassie again and I believe that he’s still with me. It’s the only thing that brings me comfort right now, so if you don’t believe this that is fine by me, it honestly is, but be kind if you choose to leave a comment.
I’m sorry if this post doesn’t make sense or if it jumps around a lot; my thoughts are all over the place. Please forgive me if I came across as rude at any point in this post, I honestly didn’t mean to sound rude at any point in this post, if I did it was completely unintentional.

I can’t say when I’ll post again, but I can say that I will post again. I owe Chewy.com a few reviews, so keep your eyes out for that.

Thank you Chewy.com for the beautiful flowers.

Thank you all for all your love and support and patience. It means a lot to me and Petal.

24 thoughts on “This isn’t goodbye”

  2. Lassie was with you through a really difficult part of life and that bond is extremely strong. Lassie will always be with you, he is in your heart furever.

    I still get a little misty eyed thinking about my silly boy Deacon and he crossed the bridge two years ago, just about a month before his fifth barkday. In the following days I went through all the could of, would of, should of.

    If Petal is like my Essex, she will comfort you. A scene out of the movie “The Natural” seems strangely applicable in all of this. The actor talks about the things that went wrong in his life, the actress replies, “I believe we have two lives.” ….. “The life we learn with and the life we live with after that.”

    Your post does make sense, and you are in my prayers.

    Dog Speed,

    The Key West Collies Dog Dad

  3. Just for you, we will not says any of the “standard lines”. Just remember his is at the Rainbow Bridge having a great time with all the passed Furpals and is waiting for us to come and join him!

    Do your grieving, then when you are ready, come back and post about Pedal, we miss you!

    The Mad Scots
    Susie and Sidebite

  5. Loosing a pet is never easy, and I’m sure (like you said) most of us has lost a pet at some point. How we loose our pet is truly unique to each one of us, along with the grieving that we go though. I am very sad to read how all of this went down and my heart goes out to you.

  7. I’m sobbing as I write this. Having lost my first collie too soon, having been unable to save him, I have felt the depth of pain you are feeling. It is exactly like a huge hole has been ripped into your chest. I didn’t know you had lost Lassie, but I too will miss him, seeing his pictures and reading your posts. It’s damn unfair, and I’m angry at your vet for not catching this, so I can only imagine how you must feel. And I’m sure all you can think right now is, “I want my boy back.”

    Hugs to you and Petal. I wish there was something more I could say, some comfort I could offer. You will see him again, and until then, hopefully he and my collie, Lad, can play together while they wait for us.

  8. Dear Marquie,
    we don’t know each other. I read about your loss at Collie222 and I felt to come over and visit you in this deep sad moment of your life.
    I really feel sorry about what happened to your beautiful dog Lassie, but I won’t tell you this, because you don’t know me and you are right, when you say nobody can know what you are going through.
    I just want to say to you, that I read what you wrote on this post and this touched my heart. I do believe that Lassie is all around you, because I am sure that love never ends with the simple death of the body. He is in your hearth and the love to him is hurtig you so much at the moment, as it is right to do, because this loss is too much for you. One day the grief will pass away, but the love will never leave you. Never.

    Silvia

  10. I’ve come over from “Collie222” to tell you how very, very sorry I am for your loss. I know all too well how you’re feeling, and I know all too well how you’re feeling in not being able to say good-bye–I’ve had my share of both. But I so hope you find peace and comfort from your memories and in knowing without a doubt that you will see your beloved Lassie again.

  11. I came from All Things Collie, I’m so sorry for your loss and realize it doesn’t help. I can’t imagine your hurt and will just say this, we all grieve in our own time and in our own way. You take the time you need, just know that others are thinking of you.

  13. Shedding tears for your beautiful Lassie. I’m furious about what happened to you, and know you will find the strength to move past this. So, so sorry.

  15. Seeing you in this kind of nightmare is hard. You have every right to be mad.

    I don’t know what to say and I’m really struggling with this comment, but I love your blog, it’s one of my favorite reads on the internet. A natural love radiates out of your posts and it’s always inspired me to see more joy and positivity with my own dog. It’s obvious in the way you write and the pictures you share that you had something unique with Lassie. Because of how much natural love radiates out of your posts, I can’t imagine how heartbroken you are. Take your time and if you need to write about it, we care and will listen. Best wishes for you and Petal.

  18. Marquie, I, too, believe that our loved ones who have passed on are still with us in spirit, watching over us like guardian angels. Soon after my 1st dog, Hopper, passed away, I came so close to getting into a car accident…I truly feel that he was watching over me and protecting me at that moment! It’s a feeling that can not be explained, but it helps me carry on. Also, do not worry about how you come across in your post! You were not at all rude, and I am so glad that you are using your blog as an emotional outlet to help you cope with the loss of your baby. I don’t even want to know where I would be had I not started my blog! Being able to write about Hopper has helped tremendously with the healing process, and I hope that, over time, your blog will help you in the same way. Love, Jessica and Taylor

  19. my heart aches so bad for you right now :(
    Just wanted to let you know I understand & I’m sorry :( from one collie lover to another

  20. I’ve lost many collies and a husband very unexpectedly. My husband was the most pain I’ve ever felt and still 7 1/2 years later I get so angry he’s not here in this life with me. I am not comparing this to your loss because it all hurts so bad and yes, no one really knows how you feel. I wish you peace and am as confident as you that I will see my darling husband again, as my many collies who’ve passed before me. In fact I know I’ve sent 3 to be with him since his passing including his own dog the day of his funeral. They still are very close to us. Your beautiful Lassie waits and you will blog again.

  24. I am glad you are blogging again. I hope it helps you come to terms with it all, at the very least. It’s so very hard. I will be thinking of you.

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